


The Statement

by putconspiraciesinit



Category: 19th Century CE RPF, Historical RPF, Political RPF - US 19th c.
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, Dialogue Heavy, Duelling, Face Punching, Gen, Nathaniel Pendleton is A Bitch Ass Liar, Posthumous Character(s), Sassy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 10:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20974646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putconspiraciesinit/pseuds/putconspiraciesinit
Summary: Nathaniel Pendleton keeps amending his statement regarding the recent duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. William P. Van Ness is *this* close to throwing hands.





	The Statement

**Author's Note:**

> for the record, yeah, i absolutely really do think pendleton was lying
> 
> also irl van ness was a straight up fucking savage and i feel like someone needed to write him as such because deadass this dude was a legend

Alexander Hamilton had challenged many, many, _ many _ duels in his lifetime. It was common knowledge that he was a highly combative, aggressive sort of man--and the type to act first and think later. Generally, if you were to wrong Hamilton in any way, he would make absolute certain you _ paid _ for it, even if the wrong was entirely unintentional.

Aaron Burr was the polar opposite. A running joke among the senior Democratic-Republicans was that you could run directly into Burr with your horse, and he would apologize for getting in your way and bid you good day before walking away. Burr was utterly averse to open conflict and confrontation, in just about every situation except the military.

So it had been shocking enough when Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel.

It had been downright _ weird _ when Burr had actually _ shot _Hamilton. Hamilton was dead by early afternoon the next day, and just like that the entire country was in full uproar mode.

As was standard with fatal duels, the seconds were interrogated as soon as possible.

And that was how William P. Van Ness came to know that he did not in fact like Nathaniel Pendleton. They hadn’t really known each other before the duel, and during the correspondence leading up to the duel and of course the duel proper they were both more concerned with doing their job as seconds than with chatting. So despite their being on opposing sides, Van Ness had no reason to properly dislike Pendleton; it was Hamilton who warranted that honor. No more. Clearly Pendleton was just as irritating.

He had seemed like a man of integrity and honor at first. There had been no sign of irritating-ness during the duel, no foul play, no dishonesty, and when the time had come to release the statement on how the duel had played out, he and Van Ness had been able to come up with something to say about what happened without any incident, and that should have been the end of it, but no! Because this decade just hadn’t been stressful enough, so far, had it?

“I would like to amend my statement regarding the duel between General Hamilton and Colonel Burr,” said Pendleton. “Because, in point of fact, it was Colonel Burr who fired first. Not General Hamilton.”

“Are we really going to do this, Mr. Pendleton?” asked Van Ness.

“Do what?”

“Argue over who fired first? We both saw what happened. And we _ agreed _ on it.”

“I simply agreed with you to avoid an argument!”

“Oh my good Lord, we _ are _ going to do this.”

It actually had not been much of an argument, as it rapidly became evident that neither Pendleton nor Van Ness was willing to back down, and Van Ness had better things to do with his time than argue with Pendleton. Since Hamilton had succumbed to the bullet wound Burr had been the subject of more public hatred than ever, and Van Ness had always seen it as part of his duty as an established member of Burr’s entourage to stand up for him (God only knew Burr would never stand up for himself, except, apparently, against Hamilton, and even that evidently required thirteen years of unrequited animosity).

And then Pendleton, damn him, had done it again.

“You aren’t amending your statement regarding the duel _ again_?”

“Well, you see, there was something that I feel wasn’t represented in our previous statement. I do not believe General Hamilton ever fired at Colonel Burr.”

“_What _ ?” Van Ness stared at Pendleton with an expression he hoped could convey the sentiment of ‘what, and I cannot stress this enough, the _ fuck_’ without him actually having to say such a thing out loud. “You _ saw _ it! And I am certain you must have heard it, too!”

“Well,” said Pendleton, “If a man is physically injured, he will likely spasm in such a way that if he is himself holding a gun--”

“Oh my God, Mr. Pendleton--”

“That if he is himself holding a gun, he may _ accidentally _ grip the trigger with his finger tightly enough to fire inadvertently--”

“Oh my _ God._ I was going to refrain from jumping to any conclusions that may offend your honor, but I am afraid I have jumped to the conclusion that you _ haven’t _any honor.”

“Come again, sir?”

“If one is going to blatantly lie about something very important, it is generally advisable to be _ good _ at lying. Which you are evidently not.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“Oh, lacking in intelligence, too,” said Van Ness, rolling his eyes. “That would certainly explain why you are so terrible at lying.”

“Why in God’s name would I lie about something such as what has just transpired?”

“_Desperately _ lacking in intelligence, I see!"

“On God, _ child_, answer me!”

“If a child has more moral integrity than you have, then you may want to re-think your decision to lie about this duel. The reputation of my dear friend Burr is already in _ flames_! Do not be so petty--”

“Then let me add fuel to the fire! He has just _ killed _ my friend!”

“I suppose you know absolutely _ nothing _ of the history between them?”

“And I suppose you do?”

“You’ve no right to know. What Mr. Hamilton did to Burr to deserve this is Burr’s story to tell, not mine to tell for him. I, unlike _ some _ people, have the integrity not to meddle in narratives which do not belong to me!”

“I hope Burr is hanged for this, I want you to know that. I hope the President himself makes it happen.”

  
Van Ness took a deep breath. This wasn’t the time to engage in fisticuffs with anybody. Pendleton had no clue what he was talking about, in bringing up Thomas Jefferson. That hadn’t been the utterly gruesome insult it could have been taken as, surely.

“You had better rescind your amendment to our statement regarding the duel,” he said slowly, “or _ we _ will be hanged as well.”

“I rescind nothing. My statement remains: General Hamilton intended to forfeit, but he was shot by Colonel Burr before he could do so, and his body spasmed upon being hit, causing him to inadvertently pull the trigger, making it appear as though he had fired at Colonel Burr.”

“So you really are going to do this.”

“I am merely telling the truth,” said Pendleton.

_ On second thought _ , thought Van Ness, _ some people simply _ need _ at least one good blow to the face, and I have entirely run out of other potential ideas as to how to deal with this man. _

He cracked his fingers, balled his right hand into a fist, and struck Pendleton directly in the nose.


End file.
